Just Kiss Her Already

"Why don’t you kiss her instead of talking her to death?" — Nosy neighbor to George Bailey, It’s A Wonderful Life.

Recently, I was watching re-runs of the show 19 Kids and Counting which features the large Duggar family. What struck me the most were the episodes about their oldest son Joshua and his fiancée/then wife Anna. They tell their story and why they are saving their first kiss, but then they are allowed to hold hands.... Actually, I mean caress each other's hands. If anyone else saw this they know what I mean. When they were together, Josh and Anna's hands hardly ever parted-- they stroked each other's fingers and wrapped their hands around each other's hands. It was disgusting. It was like they were putting all of their sexual tension into their handholding. I just wanted to push their heads together and make them kiss just so they could stop their horrible caressing.

Several years ago, I was a member of "The Rebelution" forums (which I could devote several posts to in itself). I remember a thread titled "Virgin Lips," in which 200 + girls were all saving their first kiss for their wedding day. Talk about peer pressure! The girls were adamant that it was wrong to kiss before you were married (Hmm… I wonder who they heard that from? Maybe Josh Harris?) and they were all discussing how "romantic it is to save your first kiss" and "it is so pure." I think that many people (Vision Forum and Botkinites included) over-think the issue of kissing! In fact, at the most recent Botkin wedding, after the “conference” was over the bride and groom got to **gasp** share their first… EMBRACE! How horrible is that!?! They seem to assume that if one kisses than they will have more impure thoughts and feelings, and that you shouldn't have any feelings whatsoever until you are married-- and if then. I recently talked to a professional counselor who talks to couples and also single women before they marry and do you know what she said? She said that many Christian couples have issues with intimacy when they first get married, because they are scared or feel guilty about having sex. In fact, many don't really know what to do or what they should feel. For some, it takes many counseling sessions to get the couples to the point that they feel comfortable with intimacy. Hmm... I wonder why!? It seems that there is too much peer pressure on not kissing and so much of a focus on "staying pure" that some couples can't enjoy intimacy. On a different note: I often wonder why there are so many books published for Christians regarding intimacy? It seems kind of strange, like we need a how-to guide.... You sure don't see as many books in non-Christian circles for this subject! I just wish that Christians were not so legalistic about stuff that is not in the Bible... nowhere in the Bible is there any verse saying that you can't kiss before you are married. Not one. I'm tired of Christians making up rules for things that should just come naturally-- like kissing. If a couple really wants to wait for their wedding day to kiss, it should be their own decision, not made for them by family, friends, and books that bully and guilt them into waiting. It's almost like there is an unspoken rule: If you kiss before you are married, you have sinned and you are not really a virgin.

I am not saving my first kiss for my wedding day. I want my first kiss to be in private-- away from relatives and cameras. I do not need it recorded on film for future generations either. (Oh... and engagement should be private too! Not in front of the whole family.) And, for the record, just because a couple kisses does not mean they are going to go sleep together afterwards. As my sister Ingrid pointed out, "Having never been kissed, I cannot draw from personal experience but I can say that kissing seems to be highly over-rated. So over-rated that Christians are encouraging each other to wait until the wedding day to share their first kiss in front of 10-500 people. It must be wonderful if it requires such an audience!..." Oh, and for the record George Bailey kisses Mary before they get married!! :)

~~Grace

Love is Not a Sin

I wrote this last summer and with a bit of editing, I decided to post it. I do feel guilty about not being able to write but college coursework drains so much of my time…. Hopefully after finals I can find time to think out more posts. :-)

My friends are really into courtship and I’m not…I mean courtship has its good points but I don’t really care about methods anymore… and when I talk to them about certain subjects they can be expected to react the same way every time. Basically, even though I’m happy with my life, people assume that I must secretly be miserable. After all, love (especially the emotion part) is such a *cough* bad *cough* thing that it must be squelched. And the easiest way to squelch me in peoples minds is to say, “Well, I’m sure you’ll meet someone else… just ask God to take your “feelings” for _____ away and then you can be open to anything.” Hello? I’m not upset, angry, or even worried―I’m happy with my life! Don’t even bring up anyone else!! Aack!

I hate this phrase so much that I’ll write it again. (It seems to be the pat answer in courtship circles about romantic feeling.)

“Just ask God to take your “feelings” for _____ away and then you can be open to anything.”

My response?

“What if He doesn’t want to take them away?”

Well, really, what if God doesn’t want to take your feelings for someone away? What if he wants to work on you through that person? I’ve found that romantic entanglements are one of God’s greatest teaching tools. (Not that you should seek them by any means, I mean when they come because God wants them to come.) Sometimes God doesn’t take them away―sometimes they’re meant to stay because you’ve met the right person.

And if you do have these “feelings” why do they bother you so much? They’re natural and when God brings them they’re amazing. (You don’t seek feelings, God provides them: they’re either there or they’re not. So if you’re into courtship and your parents are recommending some guy to you, it’s doubtful that you’re going to be able to pray for feelings for him and have them come. If you have to think about it that much, it’s not really what I’m talking about.) If you obsess about them it’s only going to make them worse and you’ll be focusing on them more and more.

When did we get onto this remedy of, “Well just pray and God will take these emotions, feelings, thoughts, etc away.”

Why do we need them to go away?

Is love so awful that you think it has to be gotten rid of or is love so meaningless that it can be removed effortlessly?

It is as if in response to the world’s selfishness in relationships we have become selfish in our “Christian” relationships and decided to withhold love in order to protect ourselves. In other words, both dating and courtship can be completely self-centered in an effort to satisfy and/or protect one’s own precious self. Is this not a paradox?

Loving is giving of yourself without desiring anything in return… when did loving someone become a sin in our eyes?

Nowhere in the Bible does it state that romantic love in its essence is a sin. (Hello? Have you read Song of Solomon?) If it were a sin, I think the Bible would be pretty clear on the subject. Romantic love is a gift and love, real love is not a sin. So then, why are you trying to pray it away like one?

Ingrid

While the Fellowship is Faithful

"You would not ask me to break faith with him?” “No,” said Faramir. “But my heart would. For it seems less evil to council another man to break his troth than to do so oneself, especially if one sees a friend bound unwittingly to his own harm.”1

I’ve made decisions in my life. Not unusual. But one of them is to be loyal, in all things that matter but in point, to be faithful to a certain person. From this decision, I have discovered something. Other people have a problem with loyalty. Not their own―however, I suspect it is actually a reflection of their own―but with the loyalty of someone else. Now that I’ve clearly made this decision and am sharing it as a testimony—almost anyone that I tell of it will try as hard as they can to convince me to change my decision. Why do people act like this? If God has called me to loyalty and I’m fine with it and its effects…if it doesn’t bother me, why should it bother anyone else? I guess they care about me…but I’m happy and if it’s God’s will then it’s not going to kill me. I might get bruised a little but I’d rather God let me be bruised for His purposes than to be safe and boring…and disloyal―therefore, disobeying what I know God has called me to do. People fret and fume over me messing up my life...it actually gets rather funny at times. But really, they’re worrying over themselves; it’s a fear reaction of sorts, they are worried that their life might end up like mine. Stupid―since they’re not me―but true. When I’m trying to explain my position and how God is working in my life the thing I hate more than anything is the irrational, foolish advice I’m given when I don’t ask for it nor do I need it. Apparently, they’ve never heard this Lord of the Rings quote, which I’ve used on my blog before because it’s one of my favourites. "Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill. But what would you? You have not told me all concerning yourself; and how then shall I choose better than you?"2 I use Lord of the Rings as an example because it contains so many cases of people who have a chance to be unfaithful but decide to do the right thing. Nearly every character is given an opportunity to go their own way but chooses to go on with their mission; Frodo with the ring, Sam with his duty to Frodo, the Fellowship’s responsibilities to one another, Arwen’s devotion to Aragorn…and the list goes on. That’s what makes the Lord of the Rings such a perfect case in point. Moving on, I don’t often give advice but I will say this to all of you. When someone else is doing something that they are confident in (granted that’s it’s not a sin) but that you personally think is crazy, remember this: Don’t give them advice―for they do not need it and if they do they will ask. Pray for them instead––but not selfishly, meaning you shouldn’t pray that they’ll magically see things as you do but rather pray for God’s will––and don’t pity them. As a Lord of the Rings analyst–of sorts–writes, “Faithfulness is a mighty virtue, requiring stern character, but to see others struggling under the weight of it moves us as often to pity as to respect. When we have the opportunity to give council to such a one, we may do well to remember Gandalf’s admonition that “even the very wise cannot see all ends.” 3

Ingrid

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck,

Write them on the tablet of your heart.”

Proverbs 3:3.

Works Cited -

1. Frodo and Faramir, J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers, Book 4, Chapter 6.
2. Gildor Inglorian, J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Book I, Chapter III, Page 83.
3. Mark Eddy Smith, Tolkien’s Ordinary Virtues, Chapter 18 – Trustworthiness, Page 89.