Just Kiss Her Already

"Why don’t you kiss her instead of talking her to death?" — Nosy neighbor to George Bailey, It’s A Wonderful Life.

Recently, I was watching re-runs of the show 19 Kids and Counting which features the large Duggar family. What struck me the most were the episodes about their oldest son Joshua and his fiancée/then wife Anna. They tell their story and why they are saving their first kiss, but then they are allowed to hold hands.... Actually, I mean caress each other's hands. If anyone else saw this they know what I mean. When they were together, Josh and Anna's hands hardly ever parted-- they stroked each other's fingers and wrapped their hands around each other's hands. It was disgusting. It was like they were putting all of their sexual tension into their handholding. I just wanted to push their heads together and make them kiss just so they could stop their horrible caressing.

Several years ago, I was a member of "The Rebelution" forums (which I could devote several posts to in itself). I remember a thread titled "Virgin Lips," in which 200 + girls were all saving their first kiss for their wedding day. Talk about peer pressure! The girls were adamant that it was wrong to kiss before you were married (Hmm… I wonder who they heard that from? Maybe Josh Harris?) and they were all discussing how "romantic it is to save your first kiss" and "it is so pure." I think that many people (Vision Forum and Botkinites included) over-think the issue of kissing! In fact, at the most recent Botkin wedding, after the “conference” was over the bride and groom got to **gasp** share their first… EMBRACE! How horrible is that!?! They seem to assume that if one kisses than they will have more impure thoughts and feelings, and that you shouldn't have any feelings whatsoever until you are married-- and if then. I recently talked to a professional counselor who talks to couples and also single women before they marry and do you know what she said? She said that many Christian couples have issues with intimacy when they first get married, because they are scared or feel guilty about having sex. In fact, many don't really know what to do or what they should feel. For some, it takes many counseling sessions to get the couples to the point that they feel comfortable with intimacy. Hmm... I wonder why!? It seems that there is too much peer pressure on not kissing and so much of a focus on "staying pure" that some couples can't enjoy intimacy. On a different note: I often wonder why there are so many books published for Christians regarding intimacy? It seems kind of strange, like we need a how-to guide.... You sure don't see as many books in non-Christian circles for this subject! I just wish that Christians were not so legalistic about stuff that is not in the Bible... nowhere in the Bible is there any verse saying that you can't kiss before you are married. Not one. I'm tired of Christians making up rules for things that should just come naturally-- like kissing. If a couple really wants to wait for their wedding day to kiss, it should be their own decision, not made for them by family, friends, and books that bully and guilt them into waiting. It's almost like there is an unspoken rule: If you kiss before you are married, you have sinned and you are not really a virgin.

I am not saving my first kiss for my wedding day. I want my first kiss to be in private-- away from relatives and cameras. I do not need it recorded on film for future generations either. (Oh... and engagement should be private too! Not in front of the whole family.) And, for the record, just because a couple kisses does not mean they are going to go sleep together afterwards. As my sister Ingrid pointed out, "Having never been kissed, I cannot draw from personal experience but I can say that kissing seems to be highly over-rated. So over-rated that Christians are encouraging each other to wait until the wedding day to share their first kiss in front of 10-500 people. It must be wonderful if it requires such an audience!..." Oh, and for the record George Bailey kisses Mary before they get married!! :)

~~Grace

Part Seven: Let it Be = Love3

Here’s the last reason to get married quickly—once you’ve found the right person—direct from Passion and Purity. This is Elizabeth writing on Jim’s time away at college; my comments are in parentheses. “A strange thing happened during Jim’s senior year in college. He called it his Renaissance—a new openness to social life, friendships with people he did not consider specially “spiritual,” the freedom to date if he felt like dating, (Why not marry if he felt like marrying?) and a great deal of clowning, giving vent to his native flair for acting and mimicry. (Did you have him take a drug test? Have you considered alcohol?) I heard of it secondhand and was offended. (No doubt.) What had happened to him? A psychologist could explain it easily no doubt. (I’d like to hear that explanation.) Jim’s explanation was simply that the Lord had liberated him from some old restraints, enabling him to reach out, break barriers, enjoy things. He admitted that he carried it too far. (Really?) There were some “kissing incidents” reported to me in letters from other students.” (Maybe that’s why Elizabeth Elliott recommended The Heart of the Rose!) And later, he wrote to Elizabeth, after asking forgiveness, “And I am erased. If there is more that I must do, I stand ready for reproof. Do you expect yet more of me?”12 “Yes!” I would have said, “If you can all do that, you can marry me. Since you like to take chances and live life on the edge!” But Elizabeth didn’t say that, and, “If you were waiting for the opportune moment...that was it.”13 :-) That is the number one proof that Jim Elliott needed a wife whether he could make up his mind or not. I’ve read that chapter in the book several times and still do not understand what was going on in their minds. Whilst reading, I wish I could step into the book and knock their heads together, then drag them to the nearest Justice of the Peace. :-)
Joshua Harris’ next book, Boy Meets Girl, was a good read and again, he presents his ideas in suggestion form. I enjoyed his and Shannon’s story but some of the others made my stomach churn. Yes, they are nice and all but they are not the norm. I’ve heard lots of courtship stories before but these were far out. Come on, really, how many people can afford a helicopter to whisk them away from the reception? Don’t treat this as normal! The same goes for all the courtship stories I’ve read about cross-country flights and white-horse proposals. (I’d describe myself as typically romantic but if a guy rode up on a white horse and asked me to marry him, I’d probably sock him in the jaw for embarrassing me in front of the neighbors. That, or run away, yelling, “No way!” or “Who are you again?” or “Help! He needs his head checked! Someone call 911!” I haven’t decided. :-) ) Thankfully, there are no white-horse proposals in Boy Meets Girl but there is the big issue: the first kiss.
Having never been kissed, I cannot draw from personal experience but I can say that kissing seems to be highly over-rated. So over-rated that Christians are encouraging each other to wait until the wedding day to share their first kiss in front of 10-500 people. It must be wonderful if it requires such an audience! Funny thing, I’ve never seen my parents kiss in public—they barely hold hands while out and about—and they didn’t wait until the alter to kiss. Most of my friends’ parents kissed before they got married and seem fine; it’s not like they went past kissing. Let’s see, who else kissed before marriage? Betsy and Joe (of Betsy-Tacy), Laura and Almanzo (of Little House), Jo and Fritz, Amy and Laurie (of Little Women), Anne and Gilbert (of Green Gables), Irene and Curdie (of Princess and the Goblin), Rilla and Ken (of Ingleside), my grandparents, my great-grandparents, and the list goes on. They didn’t seem to have any trouble. Josh Harris handles this subject well and doesn’t expect every couple to follow his and Shannon’s lead. But others do and try to shove this teaching down everyone’s throats. Not everyone is going to fit into this box and I don’t think it’s fair to try to make people feel bad over a non-salvation issue. I think I’d rather have my first kiss in private when I become engaged and not in front of a crowd of wedding guests. But that’s my and my fiancé’s choice, not anyone else’s. This is a personal choice for everyone and should not be mandated by any man-made rules. Case Closed.